As Told by a HalfBaked Hanyou
by lulgijak
Summary: If Inuyasha were to write his own story the way he wanted it, this is probably how it would go...with a little help from Shippo.
1. Chapter 1

After hearing more than I ever wanted to know about books from Kagome, who always seems to have her nose in one whenever she should be with the rest of us searching for jewel shards, I decided to test something out – and prove a point. When I brought up this particular bad habit of hers to Kagome, she suddenly began spouting off about the importance of 'literature' and 'culture' and all that crap, and how people in her time often wrote down frivolous adventure stories to entertain others. My response, of course, was: _what the hell do you need to read about pretend adventures for when you're already up to your eyeballs in the real thing?_

She insisted she had to read for school – another aspect of her life that I don't see any point to – but that reading fiction was still a nice way to escape from reality. I told her very reasonably how stupid that was. That was when she got all huffy and challenged me to write an interesting story if I thought I was so smart.

At first I gave the suggestion a good laugh and went off to grab a snack instead. While shaking Shippou upside down by the tail as bags of Kagome's ninja foods fell out and collected on the ground, a thought suddenly occurred to me: I'm the most interesting person I know – it would be easy to write a story about myself that I'm sure everyone would want to read. (That would definitely shut Kagome up.) I figured I could just work on it while the humans stop to rest and I have to wait on them; we seem to spend half our lives sitting around anyway, might as well do something with all that wasted time!

So that's what I've decided to do. I won't pretend that all of this crap has actually happened (yet) but it _is_ based on my life and realistically portrays myself and everyone else involved. So here goes nothing…

How Inuyasha Killed Naraku

_As told by Inuyasha_

The mighty demon know as Inuyasha, unsheathed his sword the Tetsusaiga and aimed it at the stupidly arrogant and wimpy demon that dared to get up in his face and challenge him.

He (Inuyasha, not the wimpy demon) could feel the power pulsing from the magnificent demonic blade in his hands, since he was the only one who could master the weapon's incredible and ultimate technique. Power hungry youkai as well as certain crybaby, jealous older brothers had, at times, tried to get their grubby paws on the great Tetsusaiga only to learn the hard way that it would accept no other master.

The sword that could kill a hundred demons in a single stroke now arched toward its newest prey as it quivered in Inuyasha's capable grip with the anticipation of spilling fresh blood. With expert ease and control, Inuyasha willed a vortex of demonic energy along the deadly shaft and uttered the last words that the miserable bastard groveling before him would ever hear: WIND SCAR!!!

An explosion shook the countryside for miles around and when the dust finally cleared all that remained of the pathetic victim was a pair of feet and his shins. Inuyasha walked over and pulled out two jewel shards from the mess.

"Hey, Kagome!"

The girl from the future stepped out from behind a large boulder along with Miroku, Sango, Shippo and Kirara.

"Is it safe to come out now," they all asked.

"Yeah, I got rid of him," I said – I mean _Inuyasha_ said.

"Oh Inuyasha, thank you so much for killing that damn Kouga for me," beamed Kagome as everyone else cheered, (even Kouga's two lieutenants shouted for joy at their boss's gruesome death and wanted to make Inuyasha their new leader.) "He was so annoying I just couldn't stand his coming around here any longer! I was only ever nice to him because I thought he might give us his jewel shards."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore," Inuyasha informed her, handing Kagome the shards he'd just picked up.

Kagome very happily took them and put them in the container with all the other shards they'd collected that day.

"At the rate we're going we'll have the Shikon jewel completed in no time," said Miroku, coming up to congratulate his demon friend.

"Of course we will. See what happens when you all just follow me and do what I say instead of constantly complaining about being tired and hungry," Inuyasha wisely informed them.

Miroku grinned broadly, "You're right; we sure get a lot more done your way!"

"The only problem is that Naraku still has more shards than us," cried the whiney fox cub Shippo, stomping his puny foot.

"Keh, not for long," smirked Inuyasha, "I've got a plan to destroy him."

"Now wait just a minute," Miroku crossed his arms, "we've approached this at least a hundred different angles; nothing works because of that barrier of his. When did you come up with a way to destroy Naraku that I haven't already considered?"

"I just thought about it and it suddenly became obvious," yawned Inuyasha, "I know how to break his barrier."

"Impossible! But how," asked Sango as Miroku and the others just stood there gawping.

Inuyasha began to explain, "The way to break Naraku's barrier is to simply become stronger than the barrier by…" (Ugh no, forget this part.)

The dog demon was _about_ to tell them, but he never got the chance because the very same demon in question actually decided to show up at that moment. Naraku descended on their group like a hungry wolf on a kitsune – riding in a cloud of miasma and flanked by an army of demons on either side. Above him, a swarm of poison saimyosho hovered in case the monk suddenly decided to open his wind tunnel at any time.

Everyone stood ready as the two sides faced off for the battle of their lives. As usual, Inuyasha and his friends were insanely outnumbered and would most likely die fighting the countless demons before they ever got near Naraku – that is if the noxious fumes didn't kill them all first.

"So you decided to face us head on did you, you cowardly bastard," shouted the fearless dog demon, brandishing his father's blade, "just you and a couple thousand of your closest friends?"

"Actually, I'm here to take the rest of the Shikon shards from you so I can finally complete the Jewel of Four Souls; would you mind handing them over, please," smirked the uppity hanyou.

Inuyasha growled threateningly as he cut down a hundred of Naraku's demons using the Wind Scar, "Let's see you try and get them!"

All at once, the demonic army charged the group of six. Using the Hiraikotsu, Sango, riding Kirara, was able to take out about a dozen of them at a time, while Kagome was whipping out arrows as fast as she could fire them. Miroku was holding his own with just his sutras and staff. Even Shippo got some of the weaker ones with his Fox Fire (okay, so he's not totally useless – just really annoying).

Inuyasha, however, quickly took the lead in demon casualties 'cause, let's face it, he had the Tetsusaiga – the most incredible sword ever forged! 'They just don't make demons like they used to,' he thought as another hundred bit the dust. Somewhere not too far away, he knew Sesshomaru was watching…and eating his heart out (heh).

It probably took the good part of an hour, but the hoard of attacking demons was finally dwindled down to almost nothing. During this time Naraku suddenly opened his disgusting, girly mouth and belched a huge cloud of miasma onto everyone.

"Excuse you, punk," yelled Inuyasha as he swung a chop that should have taken the creep's head off if only it weren't protected by his wimpy barrier: some people are just too scared and lazy to do any actual fighting if they don't have to. Those types of people like to call themselves "strategists" – ha! Miroku happened to be one of those types too; however, at least he cared enough about his friends to do whatever he could to save them at that moment.

"I'll suck up the miasma using my wind tunnel," he declared, throwing off his rosary. Of course, all the poison insects immediately rushed out of nowhere, the way I would if someone announced they were giving away beef Ramen.

"Oh no you don't, ya idiot," Inuyasha leapt over to where the monk was pulling saimyosho, along with the deadly, fumes into his hand. "Cut that out!" He knocked Miroku unconscious with one backhanded swipe and put the dumb beads back in place.

He then turned to Sango, who was wearing her gas mask, "take Kirara and get everyone else out of here; I'll deal with Naraku alone!"

"No Inuyasha; it's too dangerous," cried Kagome as she choked on miasma, "let me stay with you!"

"Are you crazy? Forget it, Kagome – you can't hold out against this poison. You have to leave this up to me!" The girl looked like she was about to argue, but changed her mind when she saw the look of total confidence the half demon gave her. Without words, she knew Inuyasha would be triumphant, and finally allowed Sango to lead her away.

With all the liabilities out of the way at last

With all of his friends safe, Inuyasha was now free to concentrate completely on destroying Naraku. He knew he had to first of all, break through the barrier separating them – something so dangerous he couldn't have the others with him while he did it. Little did anyone realize, Inuyasha had been practicing a new technique which was the most powerful attack Tetsusaiga had yet acquired. It was so amazing that any normal person would of went blind if they saw it (which was why he hadn't shown any of his friends).

With this new method, Inuyasha was able to summon up the raw power of every demon Tetsusaiga ever slew, and send it, backed by the power of the Winds Scar, on an opponent like some kind of Ultimate Backlash Wave. The dog demon braced himself as he called up the power of countless foes by sheer force of will.

Naraku, probably sensing his eminent doom, suddenly became very curious.

"What are you up to, Inuyasha?"

"Oh, you'll see."

Unfortunately, Naraku was just a little too smart to simply hover there and wait to be attacked, so he went ahead and disappeared in a whirlwind of miasma after shooting a spiked tentacle at his opponent – who didn't try to dodge since he needed all his concentration in order for the sword's assault to work. The tentacle went straight through the dog demon's chest, but he barely even flinched.

"Damn it," shouted Inuyasha, not because he was hurt or anything, just because Naraku was gone. Fortunately, he knew where the bastard was headed…which was after Kagome and the jewel shards, of course. Ignoring the pain of the toxic gas coursing through his body from the wound, he dashed off in the direction his friends had headed.

Sure as he'd expected, the white haired half-demon found Naraku hovering over Kagome and the others – who were lying unconscious in a cloud of purple fumes. The arrogant bandit had their jewel shards in the palm of his hands! Right then, Inuyasha knew he had to strike before that crappy guy got the chance to disappear again – or even worse – to complete the Sacred Jewel and become invincible.

The stakes were now higher than ever: with his companions directly in harm's way and the danger of using Tetsusaiga's deadliest technique around them extremely risky. The heroic Inuyasha had to think fast – if his aim was off by just a little it would cost Kagome and everyone else their lives – but he had no choice. Leaping in front of his helpless friends, the dog demon let loose the power he'd been holding until now within the Tetsusaiga.

"ULTIMATE BACKLASH," he roared so loud it almost burst his lungs.

The blinding wave that exploded onto Naraku ripped through both his barrier and the ugly hanyou inside, tearing both to pieces. Parts of Naraku were everywhere – like chunks of beef stew on the inside of that box at Kagome's house that heats up food (that wasn't me by the way, Kagome).

Almost at once he began gathering the pieces up in an attempt to pull himself back together again.

"Keh! I don't think so," Inuyasha swung the sword another time, "WIND SCAR!" Suddenly the pieces of Naraku were blasted into even smaller pieces.

"Curse you, Inuyasha," seethed the disembodied head.

The hanyou in question gave a short laugh before raising the Tetsusaiga for the finishing blow – "just be sure and save my place in hell, you baboon's ass!"

One final, deafening Wind Scar later, the evil miasma belching, spider scar-having bastard named Naraku was obliterated from the face of the earth forever.

Instantly the poisonous fog lifted from the earth and vanished as well. Once Mioga had sucked out all the toxins from their systems, Inuyasha's friends gradually woke up and began cheering and congratulating their leader on his great work.

"I knew you could do it Inuyasha," gushed Kagome as she threw her arms around him, "you saved us all!"

"Yeah, now you can complete the Shikon Jewel and become full demon," exclaimed Shippo.

Sango looked worried, "but what would happen to my little brother, Kohaku?"

Just then a certain person named Sesshomaru happened to show up (conveniently after everything was over). He gave his younger brother an odd look as he appeared mysteriously out of nowhere in his typical annoying fashion.

"Well, don't look so surprised, stupid," Inuyasha said to him.

"But… you just killed him."

"So? Wanna make something of it?"

A few minutes passed in which Sesshomaru stared vacantly back, struggling with his pride (his face gradually turning a light shade of purple) before finally caving in to the undeniable truth; "I now realize you are the more powerful of the two of us. _Hurk_ Father apparently knew what he was doing after all when he entrusted the Tetsusaiga to you." He nearly chocked before finishing he was eating so much crow, but he still somehow managed to force it out – to his credit.

"Yeah, tell me something I don't already know."

Then suddenly Inuyasha had an idea, "hey, I know of something useful you can do – you just wait right here!" He turned and spoke quietly to the others; afterward, Miroku and Sango jumped on Kirara and headed off while the dog demon carried Kagome. They 'accidentally' forgot Shippo in all the excitement – who had to remain with Sesshomaru the whole time until they got back...everyone agreed it was a much better trip without him anyway, and decided they should 'forget' him more often.

They'd found Kohaku nearby and brought him back with them. Inuyasha went to remove the jewel shard from his back, but Sango said she'd do it instead. Kohaku remained calm and didn't move as his sister pulled the small piece of the jewel free and handed it to Kagome who took it along with all the other ones she'd snatched from Naraku's hoard. Blood suddenly began frothing from the young demon slayer's mouth and he quickly convulsed and fell dead to the ground. Needless to say, it was difficult for Sango to watch, and Miroku had to comfort her.

"Now," ordered Inuyasha, "use the Tenseiga to bring him back to life."

Sesshomaru stood motionless for several long, long moments – long enough for the people to come and erect an entire village around them as they stood there.

"Hello," Inuyasha yelled, "are you still awake, or did you die standing up or something?"

"Very well," cut in his demon half-brother, "I'll do it, but not because you told me to – only because the Tenseiga urged me to do it."

"_Pfff_! whatever just do it while we're still young!"

So at last Sesshomaru unsheathed his own sword and revived Kohaku; he then left, never to be seen by any of them ever again (yay).

More good things also happened: Miroku's wind tunnel went away and he could finally marry Sango like he promised (even though he got cold feet near the end but was quickly 'persuaded' with a little help from Hiraikotsu.)

(This is the part where I would have mentioned Kikiyo, but I won't. I'll just say that everything worked out fine for her too and leave it at that so Kagome won't get mad at me.)

Last of all, Inuyasha was faced with one of the most important decisions of his life: what to do with the Jewel of Four Souls?

"Will you become a full-blooded demon now," asked Miroku in his disapproving I-know-what's-good-for-you-more-than-you-do kind of way that went ignored by the hanyou.

"Why don't you use it to become human instead," suggested Sango, obviously thinking this would make Kagome happier.

Kagome, on the other hand, just kept to herself and remained annoyingly silent the whole time.

"Become human," balked Inuyasha, "are you out of your mind? I didn't struggle this far through life just to take a giant leap backwards; I want power!"

"So you're going to become a demon after all?"

"I never said that! Haven't you been paying attention – I just single-handedly defeated Naraku; I'm obviously stronger than any demon the way I am now!"

All eyes were fixed on Inuyasha. "So what does this mean," Kagome pointlessly asked.

He thrust the round stone into her hands, "you take care of it, Kagome; I'm remaining a half-demon!"

Kagome stared in shock for a moment at the jewel she held, then back up at the man she'd traveled with for so long, and threw her arms around Inuyasha.

The end.

…Oh yeah, and they all lived happily ever after.

So there! I can write a dumb story – big deal! I really don't see what the challenge is supposed to be. Then again I did pick the most interesting topic I know of, and I do have to admit it was kind of fun (even if the ending was a little mushy – so sue me!) I guess it's time to show this to Kagome and watch her jaw drop in amazement at my exact details and depictions – I'm sure she'll want to apologize (she probably didn't even think I knew how to write!) Maybe she'll bring it back to her own time and get it published or something so everyone there can read it. Yeah, I'll just bet that's what she'll do. As for me, I think I've made my point so I'm retiring from writing – I've got a life after all!


	2. Chapter 2

To whoever might be reading this, please disregard the first stupid story; I think it made those of us who read it all the way through a little dumber! If Inuyasha had even let a trained monkey write the story for him – then at least it would have sounded a little more intelligent.

Though I can't give you back those lost fifteen minutes of your life – nevertheless – for those who are interested in reading a much more truthful tale, I am very happy to provide one. This is the story of what Inuyasha is _really_ like, told by someone who knows him all too well. Don't let the beginning fool you; it isn't a pretty story: you may feel shocked, betrayed, even nauseated at times (welcome to my life) but I have decided to be brutally honest, because I think the world deserves to know the truth. You have been fully warned!

OoOoO

It was the kind of beautiful spring day where seemingly nothing could possibly go wrong. The birds were chirping, the flowers were blooming and the sun was shining, so on and so forth... On this perfect day Shippo, Kirara, Miroku and Sango sat waiting for their friend Kagome to arrive through the Bone Eater's Well with lunch. Soon everyone was headed out for a pick-nick with all kinds of wonderful foods. Kagome was also nice and brought Shippo lots of his favorite food: sausage. The only thing she brought for Inuyasha was a piece of dried meat, but because he wasn't there Shippo got that too!

Before long everyone was having a good time talking about what they did that day and passing around the various dishes for each other to try.

Miroku soon told a slightly off-color joke which everyone laughed at (even Sango). "Wow," said Kagome, sighing with contentment, "I'd forgotten how nice and cheery it is without Inuyasha around!"

"Tell me about it," snorted Sango, "at least you can get a break from him whenever you go back to your own time – the rest of us have to listen to him piss and moan about jewel shards the whole time you're gone!"

"Speaking of which, where is 'you-know-who' right now," asked Miroku, glancing around nervously as if the very mention of his name might accidentally summon the dreaded dog hanyou.

"Oh, you don't have to worry, Miroku," snickered Shippo, "I made sure he wouldn't bother us today."

"Is that so? What did you do," the monk inquired of his young friend with hopeful interest.

"Eh, not much; I just borrowed some of Kagome's white sticking paste from her bag and poured it all over the back of Inuyasha's head and neck while he was sleeping against a tree."

Kagome's eyes got really wide all of a sudden, "did you use it _all_, Shippo?"

The fox trickster looked back apologetically, "Um, yeah…"

"Good work," she gleefully approved, "hopefully he'll be stuck there longer than when Kikiyou pinned him to it fifty years ago!" She was so happy that she gave Shippo a cookie. (Yay, chocolate chip!)

They continued their lunch never suspecting that their pleasant day out was about to take a drastic turn, for meanwhile the cause of their trouble had suddenly arrived with a vengeance.

Inuyasha fell from the sky like a bloated red kite with a rock tied to it, landing right on small defenseless Shippo – who he immediately began beating savagely.

Coming quickly to the rescue, Kagome yelled out the two best words ever put together, "_Inuyasha sit_," and the ugly dog-beast plowed snout first into the dirt, where he lay twitching for several minutes.

She ran over and scooped up the bloodied and bruised fox demon before once again rounding on the white-haired menace. "How can you do that to poor Shippo? He's a lot smaller than you – not to mention smarter, nicer and with far better hygiene than you also," stormed the human girl. "Just because he glued you to a tree is no reason to nearly kill him!"

Inuyasha managed to pull his face out of the ground and glare at her – half of a large branch still stuck to his head. "Shippo did _what_ to me? _What the hell are you talking about_," he shouted, because he was getting confused, and being confused always enraged the half (wit) demon (which explains why he's _always _angry).

"Hold on," began Kagome, who always tended to give Inuyasha way too much credit, "didn't you even notice that your skin and hair were bonded to a tree?"

"Yeah, it looks like you took half of it with you," Sango pointed to the big chunks of bark clinging like ugly black scabs to the side of the hanyou's face.

"Huh?" The dog reached up a hand and felt around as his vacant yellow eyes slowly widened in understanding and he once again started snarling. "Why you little…"

Miroku began to rub the bridge of his nose in the way he always did when he was getting a major headache, "then why did you suddenly attack Shippo in the first place?"

Inuyasha snorted, "I just felt like whacking something small and fluffy – that's all!"

The crazed half-demon would probably have gone on to hit the younger boy some more had it not just occurred to him that he was surrounded by food. He quickly forgot everything else and started snatching every edible (and some non-edible) thing in sight and shoving it into his mouth as fast as possible; the sight and noises were indescribable! Before anyone could even recover from shock and revulsion, the entire pick nick was inhaled (along with most of the blanket) quicker than you could say "wind tunnel".

"Oh no; my beautifully prepared meal is ruined," cried the horrified fifteen-year-old.

The moronic dog belched loudly, then glared at her, "Feh! Your cooking sucks, Kagome; why don't you just shaddup!"

After being sat fifty times in a row (Shippo and the others counted) the idiot didn't move very much for the rest of the day.

That evening the five friends, along with Lady Kaede and Mioga, sat around in the old lady's hut trying to decide what should be done about the dog-eared menace.

"Somehow we have to stop him," declared Sango, pounding a fist against her Hiraikotsu, "he can't just be allowed to roam around destroying the lives of everyone in his path and eating all our food!"

"Well, he's far beyond reasoning with; Inuyasha is basically a perpetual five-year-old," Miroku commented darkly.

"A perpetual five-year-old with insane youki strength and a demon sword," Mioga helpfully corrected.

"That damn Tetsusaiga," seethed Sango, "yet another good thing gone horribly wrong – just like Inuyasha; too bad those two are inseparable!"

"If only Inuyasha's Tetsusaiga privileges could be cut back some," Lady Kaede suggested.

"But who's crazy enough to try getting that thing away from him?"

Everyone was suddenly silent. Nobody, it seemed, had the nerve to stand up to the homicidal half-demon – at least, _almost_ no one. All the while sitting in Kagome's lap, the smallest member of the group (not counting Mioga) had a plan simmering in his cunning brain the entire time. The bandaged Shippo spoke up after a long pause, "I know how to get it away from him and screw him up so bad he'll never be the same again (heh, heh, heh)."

"What will you do, Shippo," Sango asked while Miroku, Kirara, and Lady Kaede leaned in closer.

"Appeal to his lust for power, what else," answered the fox.

Kagome, however, gave the boy a serious look, "just one question: will any of this involve harming Inuyasha in any way?"

The demon shrugged, "…probably."

"Okay, I was just curious," she smiled.

Later on, Shippo left the others and crept to where his unsuspecting victim still laid face first in the same enormous pit where Kagome had left him.

The wounded half-demon had obviously given up trying to climb out a long time ago and fallen asleep. It occurred to Shippo how very tiring being as stupid as Inuyasha must be; the young boy thought it amazing he still managed to defeat as many enemies as he did. Even though nature had offered him a generous helping of physical strength as an apology for his meager intelligence; it was still almost enough to make the boy feel sorry for him…until he remembered what an enormous fathead Inuyashawas and got over it.

Besides, Shippo was now ready to put his master plan into action. Unlike his brain, the dog's nose was very keen, so the fox climbed a nearby tree to avoid being smelled out.

Fox demons (as few people realize) have among their many talents, the unique ability to throw their voices wherever they want. Fortunately, Shippo was especially gifted in this area, so the creepy-sounding whisper he used to wake up Inuyasha seemed to speak right inside the dope's doggy ear.

"Inuyaaaaaaaaashaaaaaaa…"

Grumbling sleepily, the dog shook his shaggy white mane and took a swipe at an imaginary fly.

"Oh, Inuyaaaaaaaashaaaaaaaa…"

….(Still nothing.)

"_INUYASHA SIT!!!"_

The pale head shot up quicker than if someone had suddenly jabbed him in the butt with a sharp stick (hilarious, but attempt at your own risk!)

"What did you just say," he demanded of the empty air – still panting from his initial horror. Sitting in the tree, Shippo tried really hard to hold back his laughter. "Mioga, is that you," bellowed Inuyasha, ripping at his clothes and hair for the missing flea.

"No Inuyasha, it's me: I'm your spirit guide, and I've come to…"

"My _what_? What the hell is a spirit guide?"

"I'm the spirit entity that…"

Hearing words he didn't recognize, Inuyasha instantly flew into probably his thirtieth blind fury of the day. "Whaddya mean 'entity'", he raved, "where the hell are you and why can't I see you?"

"If you'd just let me finish, I'll try to use smaller words; you see my 'Idiot' isn't very good," Shippo apologized.

"Bastaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrd," growled the confused and rabid dog.

"Like I said," Inuyasha's 'spirit guide' began once again, "I'm an enlightened – which means really smart – helper from the other world assigned to give direction to your life."

This time, Shippo allowed a good, long pause for the hanyou's brain to fully process what he'd just said before the inevitable scoff came, "Yeah right, I don't need any direction from some dumb spirit – so get lost!"

Perfect. And now to bait the hook: "Oh really – so you don't want to make the Tetsusaiga stronger?"

Even from the darkness of the pit, Shippo could see Inuyasha's entire body suddenly convulse, "_say what_?" the half-breed swung his head around so violently (which was pointless since obviously no one would be there) he tore something in his still injured back. After screaming and falling over, the pitiful chump shakily pulled himself back up and stared around with the same eager, hungry expression he has when he's waiting for a piece of ham to drop out of Kagome's sandwich.

"Well, I guess if you're not interested in ultimate power," the voice now spoke from the sword itself – just to further taunt the unfortunate pea-brain (waaaaay to easy) "then I might as well go – goodbye."

"No wait!" Inuyasha gasped ferociously; drool running down his chin – he was now trembling, "must have power – give to me – I need!"

"Congratulations, that was almost a complete thought," Shippo commended (Oh Shippo, you scamp!) "so does that mean you've changed your mind about wanting my help?"

"_Yes_," spat the crazed half-demon, nearly choking on his own saliva.

"Hmmm, well I don't know; I'm not really in the mood anymore…"

"_You'd better _get_ in the mood, then_!"

"I hope you know how to ask better than that! Maybe I'd change my mind if you begged me a little."

"Grrrrrrrr…"

"Come on, do you want it or not?"

"Awright, please!"

"Please what?"

"Please. Help. Me. Make. The. Tetsusagia. Stronger." Inuyasha bit off each word with barely controlled rage.

"…Because you're just a dumb, egg-sucking dog with rotten egg breath? And you love the taste of your own barf, right?" (Oh Shippo, you're so evil!)

Even though he couldn't see it, Shippo knew a huge vein was throbbing on the hanyou's forehead as the other replied with a trembling, "y-yes, th-that's right."

"Well, at least you're honest. M'kay, I guess I could help you – but you have to swear to do everything I say!"

"Yeah fine, whatever!"

"Great, now the first thing you gotta do is…"

OoOoO

Inuyasha stood before the opening of the large cavern, grinding his teeth loud enough to be heard by people living all the way on the other side of the mountain. With his fists clenched at his sides, the berserk look in his eyes made it clear he'd rather jab himself in the eye with his rusty, untransformed sword than stroll inside and perform his first task.

"Come on, Inu," coaxed Shippo in bubble form, hiding behind a large rock, "in order to prove your worthiness, you must first face your enemy…and suck up to him."

"Why can't I just _kill_ him instead," snarled dummy-head.

"Because that would defeat the purpose of totally humiliating you."

"_What?_"

"I said that would defeat the purpose of teaching you humility, my young pupil."

"I don't care; I'm not doing this!"

"Look, do you want a Tetsusagia so amazing demons will rather off themselves than face it's wrath, or not? Besides, if you really want, you can always come back and kill him later, sheesh!"

"Hey, who's out there yelling like an idiot while I'm trying to sleep," an angry voice from within the cave suddenly demanded. Kouga presently emerged, glaring at Inuyasha, "Keh, I should have known; only a retarded mutt-face stands around in the middle of the night, screaming at empty air."

Before he had time to snap, the little voice whispered alluringly in the boiling hanyou's ear "Tetsusaiiiiiiiigaaaaaaaaa!"

Inuyasha promptly made to reach for said sword; fortunately, his wise spirit-guy had maliciously convinced him to leave it in the pit beforehand! Instead, the half-demon settled for growling and cracking his knuckles at the unimpressed wolf demon.

"So what do you want anyway," demanded Kouga, growing impatient.

"I've errrrr– " Inuyasha suddenly looked (and sounded) very constipated as veins popped out all over his face and forehead which turned slowly purple and started sweating huge drops. Shippo wondered if he might burst a blood vessel and keel over right there, but the sword-lust was amazingly strong: "I've – come," he pressed on, "to – tell you something…"

"Yeah, what is it, crap-for-brains?"

"–Wh-wanted to tell you – that – I think you're a – whu-whu-wonderful – p-person, and that you're – b-better than me in every way," his left eye twitched violently as he finally finished.

Kouga stared in complete shock for a moment, unable to come up with any response. Slowly, however, his brows knit together in a suspicious frown, "what is this, some kind of trick?"

Inuyasha painfully shook his head 'no', his entire body shuddering in protest.

The wolf seemed not to notice this, but looked surprised – almost pleasantly so, "No? So does this mean you actually want to call a truce and be (_heh, heh_) friends?"

"Sure," ground the hanyou through a grin that threatened to rip the chief's face off.

The other warrior thought for a long moment before finally laying a hand on his fellow idiot's shoulder and returning the smile, "In that case, 'buddy', do me a favor: have Kagome meet me outside the village tomorrow morning, and make sure she brings my jewel shards with her too. Then if you could have my cave nice and straightened up by the time we get back from our honeymoon that would be great; we're going to want to get started making our _own_ little pack of hanyous right away. Thanks a lot; you're a real pal, mutt-face."

A long and stunned pause followed while, from the dangerously purple face, glazed yellow eyes gaped at the wolf and the dog's mouth began to sputter wordlessly like he'd suddenly gotten a chicken bone lodged in his throat. Without a word, Inuyasha reached up, calmly took the hand resting on his shoulder…and flung Kouga off the side of the cliff.

The demon leader was immediately swallowed into blackness; the sound of him hitting every jagged rock coming down could be clearly heard even as the hanyou dove after him, screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs. Shippo the Fox Demon, witness to unending idiocy, sighed wearily before he drifted slowly down to see if either had made it to the bottom in one piece.

OoOoO

"You're lucky I even give you this second chance to redeem yourself after that ridiculous stunt you pulled back there – jeez and I thought you made a big dent when Kagome sat you halfway down to hell earlier today! I swear if Naraku could make his barrier half as thick as your skull, then he'd never have to worry about Tetsusaiga's _Adamant Barrage_ attack ever again," grumbled the mysterious "guide" who even then Inuyasha _still _hadn't figured out was Shippo.

Without hearing a single word, Inuyasha went on muttering about his extensive injuries as if there were someone around who cared, "Damn it…bastard's crusty toenail went right into my damn eye… damn Kouga…damn punctured lung…hurts…bastard…Damn!"

The very worse for wear (yet still stubbornly alive) dog limped slowly and unsuspectingly down the path toward his date with destiny; the fox briefly wondered if he'd be so fortunate after this next encounter. Oh well, it was too late to come up with a new plan now…

"So who do I get to kill next," demanded the dog, brightening slightly at the prospect.

"You didn't kill Kouga," Shippo tiredly reminded him, "He actually threw a large rock at your head as you left; it shattered into a hundred pieces. Don't you remember?"

"Bastard," growled the hanyou for the nine hundredth time that evening.

"Actually, we're going to see your brother Sesshomaru – you have something important to say to him."

Inuyasha looked up from picking gravel out of his teeth, "Wah? No I don't!"

"You do if you want to make your sword better," said the unseen bubble floating over his head. "You have to make peace with your only living family; that is, you have to give him a big hug and tell him that you l-l-love him!" The young boy barely avoided falling out of the sky with laughter and onto the half-demon's head in what would have been a very messy and untimely death.

Inu was dumb(er)struck by the statement. Not only that, but the shock apparently snapped what might be called Inuyasha's mind for lack of a better word. Without warning, the hanyou went into complete meltdown. He ripped his shirt open with his claws, then bleeding and raving like a maniac, charged the nearest tree; yanking it clear out by the roots and swinging it like some kind of leafy, Tetsusaiga substitute at imaginary enemies. "_Wind Scaaaaar_," he shrieked as he began beating the unfortunate plant to splinters against a boulder that bore a strong resemblance to Lady Kaede.

'_Oh crap, I broke his brain!' _Just as Shippo was about to abandon his joke and run for dear life, from out of nowhere, the very person they'd been going to see suddenly stood before them.

"What on earth is wrong with you, you lowly mongrel – have you lost your mind," screeched the ugly little toad at Sesshomaru's side. The answer should have been pretty obvious, but Inuyasha was all too happy to clarify it for him with a casual swing from his makeshift sword that sent the sniveling demon soaring.

After lazily watching his servant's flight into the night sky, the aristocratic demon lord turned his attention back to his charging backwoods brother, slicing his hunk of wood in half and tossing it aside before the half-demon had the chance to annoy him with it any further.

Inuyasha stopped short, a look of complete shock crossing his face as he gazed at the lopped off tree in his hand, then to Sesshomaru and back again. "How could you," he finally managed to croak, his accusing yellow eyes meeting his brother's bored ones, "that was my favorite sword; I never even got the chance to kill you with it!"

The older brother's normally blank face grew slightly disgruntled. "What are you doing here," he asked as if resenting each word he spoke to the hated hanyou.

"My ultimate power," shouted Inuyasha, clutching the broken tree in devastation, "_Damn you, Sesshomaru! Damn you to hell!_" He collapsed miserably to the ground.

For a moment, the demon lord seemed to strongly consider putting the gibbering lunatic out of his misery, however he must have decided his dignity would suffer too much because he walked away instead, muttering something under his breath about drowning defective whelps at birth.

Inuyasha knelt on the ground, beating his fist repeatedly. In between gnashing his teeth, he happened to cast a sideling glance at the would-be Tetsusuaiga that made him pause in the middle of his angst filled ranting. A flash of sanity passed over his face as he noticed it for the first time.

"Hey, this ain't my sword; it's just a stupid piece of wood!" He quickly got up and looked around, "where are you, ghost person; what am I supposed to do now?" Raising his arm to hurl the overgrown stick at no one in particular, he suddenly froze. Shippo could see him sniff the air suspiciously as he slowly lowered his arm again.

Having remained a bubble the entire time, the young fox could feel his concentration – great as it was –starting to slip. Before he could stop himself, Shippo sneezed and reverted to his regular cute and fluffy form – crashing onto a branch which, in turn, broke off and clonked Inuyasha over the head. However, if the hanyou felt the impact at all he never showed it as he stared blankly at the small fraud and blinked.

"Er, hiya," grinned Shippo nervously.

Inuyasha continued sniffing in his direction before answering the smallish demon, "Are you supposed to be my spirit whatchamacallit – 'cause you smell just like Shippo…come to think of it, ya _look_ just like him too!"

The boy knew he had to think fast before Inuyasha put two and two together: "Look over there – it's a giant cup of Ramen noodles!"

Taking advantage of the huge tornado of wind created when the dog's head whipped around, the kitsune leapt high into the air and tossed a hand full of screaming mushrooms at the hungry hanyou before popping back into a bubble and making good his escape.

The last thing the fox demon heard was Inuyasha's vow of revenge over the shriek of his own laughter.

OoOoO

And now, here the magnificent Shippo (that's me, by the way – _I've_ been writing this story the whole time, surprise!) sits hiding out inside a tree hollow until booby-head forgets that he's trying to kill me. It's kind of musty and I can't breathe very well, but I don't care, 'cause it was worth it! That's right; every word I've written here is the honest truth – do you think I'd actually make up something so ridiculous? The harsh reality of it all is that this is what Inuyasha is like _all the time_! Speaking of which, I wonder if it's finally safe to come out now… **Nope. It sure wasn't. That was a pretty good story, Shippo, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put an end to your writing career now. **

**And just so you know, I wasn't fooled by that whole 'spirit guide' crap – I was just playing along the whole time so I could kill you afterward…_I was_! Feh, I guess that'll teach you to scribble in my writing journal from now on.**

**Now I wonder – if a fox gets beat down in the woods, and the only one around is the dog doing the beating, does the fox still leave a big red smear? **

**-THE END-**


End file.
